you should give me head with plastic fangs in
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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