Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
