I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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