my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
