So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
