I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
