No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I smell like Dick and happiness
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