I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
