ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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