cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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