don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
