Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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