Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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