i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
