You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
True strength comes from lack of pants
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
