I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
