Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
