i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
