Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
