Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize