Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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