i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
