I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
