sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I could make wine with my vomit
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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