I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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