Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
