you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
