Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
