Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
