Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
