how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
