I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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