had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
