what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
