Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
