i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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