I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
