ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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