remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
the condom got lost in my hair
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
