The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize