just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She bit a glass in half.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
