I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
