You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
