so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
