college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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