Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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