I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize