I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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