So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize