I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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