My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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