I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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