yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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