And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
