Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I puked a lego.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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