I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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