just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
