Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
