Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
