so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
