i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
