I'm pants shitting drunk right now
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
That accounts for only three of the penises
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
