We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
